Something like a weapon
by Advisor Irk
Summary: Meh, My first ever try at fanfiction. An OC race gets the Irken Empire really mad. They have one Irken day to destroy the empire, which means there's no hope. Or is there?
1. A prologue of sorts

(The Irken empire's is only mentioned. I better get chapter two up soon...)

Once upon a time, there was a proud race who called themselves an empire. This race only called themselves an empire because it was the cool thing to do at the time. Previously they were called The Kitduj stronghold, The Kitduj people and Those guys with the fur, The TGWTF for short. Anyway, they were merely an empire because it was cool. Being cool was one of the best things to be at the time, because being cool was one of the three ways of life a Kiip, a word for a young Kitduj, could follow. The three ways are as follows:

One, you may enroll in our growing military and aid our people.

Two, you may study the ways of science and help our people eat better and have more toys.

Three, you may just be cool. It makes our people look good.

I'll give you one guess to guess which most young Kiips choose.

The Kitduj leader, whose name is unimportant, was standing on the observation deck of the biggest ship the Kitduj could afford to make: _The dreadnought.5. The dreadnought.5_ was a large sphere with a large, spiky shield-like thing covering roughly half the sphere on each side. Small, see through, tunnels connected main part of the ship to several other sections, which all resembled the main part, but tinier. A couple of large weapons were poorly added to the ship, though none were operative. They were just there to look good. The ship was currently hovering above the Kitduj empires home- and only planet, Kitdueen. Anyways, back to the leader, who was watching with mild interest as _The dreadnought.5 's _fleet gathered. After making _The dreadnought.5, _the Kitduj's had barely enough money left to make a fleet of twenty ships, but the pilots were all well trained, so they had thought the negatives were cancelled out. The leader soon grew tired of watching the ships, and started looking at his claws. He was uninterested mainly because he never asked to be the leader. He just was. Ever since he was a young Kiip. without a worry in the world, he had wanted to be a pilot. When the day came when he could choose his path in life, he stood up proudly to the machine that was listening for one of three words, Military, science or cool; the future leader had proclaimed, "A cool pilot!"

The machine only heard the first part. It was the thing the leader always thought back on. If only he had thought, he might be outside, piloting a fighter, proud to be serving his leader. If only...

Still, he had other matters to attend to. Being leader, he was required in at least four places at once at all times of day, so he shouldn't be thinking so much. No, he should be giving people metals or checking in on that new long-ranged communicator they were installing. They had recently bought it from their ally for a large sum of money, so it aught to work. He could hear the installation right now, as it was going to be built into the observation deck.

_whiirr.... clink, click CLONK! Hey! Watch it won't ya! clink, clink, clink..._

"Sir! We're done! Finally!"

The voice of the engineer made the leader snap back to reality, "Good. Does it work?" He watched as they demonstrated it by calling a scout they had sent far out into space just for testing the communicator, "Awesome then. Really. Let's test it differently. In fact, I have an idea."

"An idea sir? What is it?"

"I think we aught to search for the strongest signal, not by location, but by how many units are giving out the signal. The more units, the stronger the force we're dealing with. Think, they might be able to teach us new things! Things we never imagined because we are less powerful then them! I say we try."

"...sir, don't you think they might be a waring empire if they have many units? We certainly can't have a war."

"You have a point, but that is why we be careful. We should stress that we're an empire too, maybe say we have many, many planets. We should complement them too. Or maybe they'll be a nice race who'll help us out. Anyway, I'm going to do a quick search."

The leader accessed the remote console which ran the long-range communicator. After pressing a few buttons, a screen projected on the window of the observation deck. The black screen displayed the Kitduj empire's symbol, a Kitduj wrapped around a planet, holding it like a earth kitten holds yarn. A slight smile was on the leader's face when he accessed the search. One signal was strongest by far. It was also far away. It was perfect. The leader quickly fixed his golden fur before hailing this race, so he might look presentable.

Once he pressed the butten to contact them, the Kitduj symbol disappeared. It was replaced by a new, red symbol. The bottom downwards triangle with a rounding top. Above it was a circle, unconnected. A sort on curved cap was above the circle. Two things that the leader knew must represent antennae were on the top, one on each side. Before turning the screen on to view the race he was contacting, the leader faced the nearby engineers.

"I wonder if they'll be our friends?" He asked.


	2. The Annoying empire

Far, far away from the Kitduj's ship, was _The massive, _The Irken Empire's main ship. Aboard _The massive _were the two Irken leaders, the Almighty Tallest Red and the Almighty Tallest Purple. Like the Kitduj's, they were opening communications, though for a less wanted cause.

"Why do we even bother accepting Zim's calls anyway?" Started Purple, who was busy eating a bag of chips, "I mean-"

He was cut off as the call was accepted. Zim's small body filled most of the screen, though visible in the background was GIR, a SIR unit made out of spare parts.

"My Tallest!" The Irken gave a salute, "I'm pleased to say I'm almost finished with my mission. Soon, very soon, the humans will be nothing but nothingness! Prepare the armada, for my mission will be finished within one day. Invader Zim, signing-" His voice was cut as GIr launched himself at Zim crying "Let's make the pig some cookies!"

"Cut the transmission," Red said to on of the many technicians without turning his head the slightest.

Purple faced Red, "Think Zim will actually succeed this time?"

"No. Remember that time he said he was going to squish out all life on Earth?"

Whether or not Purple remembered was going to remain unknown, as suddenly another transmission was coming through. A green eyed technician checked the calls location, "Transmission from... Kidween!"

"Kid-ween? That's a really dumb name," said Purple, knowing he was right.

"Yeah, it is," Agreed Red, "Allow transmission. Let's see who these... Kidween-ens think they are."

The transmission came on. On screen was a bipedal creature with golden fur over it's body. It had clothes on, a sort of black sweater with black pants. It was a rather bland set of clothes. It's hands were by it's side, extending it's very long claws out as a sort of threat. The only thing that came to the two Tallest's attention was that it seemed tall. It's height showed a sign of authority and intelligence to them, making it gain a bit of respect, even if that bit was smaller then a neutron. But hey, it's still respect.

"Hello. Can you hear me?" Started the creature. _First time communicating with another race,_ thought Red and Purple smugly.

"Of course we can hear you," said Red said dryly, "what brings you to communicate with the almighty Irken empire?"

"We of the Kitduj empire are merely greeting the Irken empire," said the creature, though it seemed to have a worried look on it's face.

"An empire who does not even know how to use a long-ranged communicator? Stop bragging," said Purple.

At this, a worried expression was clear on the creature's face. It said stupidly, "In our language, Irk means annoy. Does that mean your the Annoying empire?"

As said, this was stupid. "Track their signal and blow them up!" Called an angry Red.

A technician was on it. "Sir, they signal is really, really far away. It'll take the massive a day to get there."

"I don't care! Just get to it!" Said an angry Purple.

The creature had overheard this. It's face was clearly very stressed and worried. As it cut the communication, another creature like it was on screen. It gave the other one a 'I told you so' look before walking off.


	3. Mission start and a failed contact

When the transmission was cut, the leader of the Kitduj's was still staring at the screen of the communicator. Had he just doomed his entire race? He certainly was in a panic, at least in his mind. No one was nearby him, as the engineers had left for lunch and had not bothered asking the leader if he wanted anything. So he was stuck, staring at the blank screen with his mouth open, looking like a total idiot. At least no one was looking.

Now we must go away from the leader, as if he get any more time in the spotlight, he'll need a name. And the author can't think if one. Instead, we shall go to a young Kitduj, who name is Kefe. Kefe is a conqueror, basically like an invader, except conqueror's don't have much training. The idea of a conqueror was thought up by the previous leader, who thought all empire's had to have units who could disguise themselves to invade a planet first. No one knows where he got the idea from. They just went with it.

Anyways, back to Kefe. He was trying to fix his ship, as he'd unintelligently went speeding around the planet and crashed into a tree. He and his ship were in one of the dense rain forests of Kitdueen. Kefe had no worries about getting lost, but did worry about making it to the The dreadnought.5 in time to choose a good planet to help take over. Today was the day he had been waiting for since he was a small little Kiip: the day where he would prove to be the best ever. His career in the military was off a dare he had token to try to take three paths at once. He was going to be an cool soldier in the military who would invent neat stuff. So far, Kefe had practically failed, being a unpopular conqueror in the military who couldn't make a fire to save his life. When Kefe thought this, he'd always add at the end, that he was still young enough to have all that change. But of course it won't.

Kefe sat at the foot of his ship, an _NightPlane180_. He was getting tired of trying to figure out how to turn on his automatic torch so he could light a signal flare. After looking the torch over for what felt like the nine-hundredth time, he threw the torch on the ground nearby the flare in a fit of frustration.

"There's no on button!" He mumbled to himself. It can get quiet lonely in the Kitdueen rain forests, "How can I light the flare without a torch? It's hopeless!" Suddenly, the automatic torch he had throw on the ground burst into flames when it sensed the burnable object that was the flare. When the flare got lit on fire, a bright green light was shot into the air about seven hundred feet into the air before hanging there, like an artificial sun. Within seconds, the humming of a transportation ship could be heard, and soon Kefe was seated in an comfortable chair and his broken ship was being repaired by many, many engineers.

-

_The Dreadnought.5 _soon was the only sight Kefe could see. He had never really seen the thing up close before, so it's large size amazed him even more. The 'choosing of the planets', the event, conqueror's like himself had to partake in, was being held in the announcement deck of the ship. Glancing at the transportation shuttle's clock, he realized he was going to be late. Glancing at the driver, he realized there was no driver and the shuttle had just been sitting in mid-air for a long time. Mentally slapping himself on the head, Kefe got into the drivers chair and took off towards _The Dreadnought.5. _The shuttle was hard to turn, it rattled around whenever Kefe turned and a one point, Kefe heard a crash that he suspected was his ship, ramming into the side of the holding bay. When Kefe finally pulled into the docking bay of _The dreadnought.5, _it was so late that Kefe would not have been surprised if the planet choosing was over. But, as he found out, it was not over. Or rather, everyone was still announcement deck. The leader was standing on a raised platform with a podium on it. Kefe couldn't hear him, so he edged closer through the crowd.

"...Destroy us! I know it may seem odd, but I'm not kidding. They are coming to blow us up in one of their days, we only have to hope it's longer then a Kitdueen day. Me and the council will be holding a meeting later to decide what is the best action. Anyone seen conqueror Kefe?"

Embarrassed to have the leader wonder where he was, Kefe climbed up to the stage and joined with the other conquerors, "Sorry I was late sir!" He said with a quick salute.

"Good. I was wondering where you were. There's no planets left, so I'm going to give you a very special mission."

"You are? What is it?" Said Kefe, disappointed he could not choose, but excited at the prospect of a special mission.

"Yes. The mission is this; you will travel to at least three planets that have a history with the Irken empire, but are not owned by them. You will then send us whatever help they can give us so we may survive the Irken empire when they come to destroy us. You will prevent our doom."

--

Two hours later, Kefe was yawning with boredom. All had been fine when he had set out, his excitement had lasted him the first hour. However, when he realized how long it was going to be to get _**anywhere**_, he started to calm down. After he had completely calmed down, he became extremely bored, and had taken to reclining in his ship's only chair, watching the planets inch by the ship's window. He had no idea when he realized that the ship was going to slow. In fact, he had been passing the same planet for the last hour, and he was only halfway past. With a slight groan of discomfort, he got up from his reclining chair and examined the ship's seed level. The ship was going at the lowest speed, which caused Kefe to slap himself on the forehead. He should have checked the speed before leaving! He quickly turned the speed to maximum before turning to get back into his chair. Kefe never made it to his chair, for when the ship reached maximum speed, he was thrown off his feet and into his chair. Well, at least he was where he had intended to go. And besides, he liked watching space fly past the ship's window at incredible speeds. His ship was on autopilot, so every turn was a surprised. The speed was making him sick, but he hardly cared. Fun always came at a price these days. He was almost disappointed when the ship came to stop over the light purple atmosphere of a planet. Almost.

When Kefe clicked on his communicator, he was surprised to be hailed so quickly. Of course, Kefe had little experience with this sort of thing anyways. How would he know? On a small, built-in screen on the control panel of the ship was a gray-purple alien with two horns sticking out from the top of it's head. It glanced nervously over it's shoulder at the steel room behind it.

"What is it? We're not supposed to be accepting calls, you know," the purple-ish creature said quietly.

"We of the Kitduj empire have need of assistance against the Irken empire. We are asking for help."

The alien's small red eyes widened at the Irken empire's name, "Don't speak to me of the Irkens!" It yelled angrily, before cutting off the transmission.

Kefe stared blankly at the screen, now showing static. Since the alien had cut the transmission, he had had nothing better to do then to do nothing. He thought he was doing nothing quite well. However, all good things must come to an end, and soon Kefe was programming his computer to find another planet, preferably one where the inhabitants were not crazy.

-

Thirty minutes later, Kefe found himself in need of a drink. He was yelling at a couple of blob-like aliens, who apparently had really, **really** bad hearing.

"_**Can you send help!?**_" Kefe yelled again, he throat very dry.

"...What?" Said the blob, lacking emotion. It was getting bored of not hearing the alien on the other end.

"_**Are you, like, deaf or something?! I said, can you help?!**_"

"...What?"

"_**...You know what? I-**_"

"...What?"

"_**I give up,**_" said an annoyed Kefe, cutting the communication line. Though he did not hear it, the blob-thing responded, talking to another blob-thing Kefe did not see. The blob-thing said, "Gharsd! Wefhd Irskom Wujki!" When translated, this means, "God! I hate it when Aliens call, asking for help!"

(This means blobs are NOT deaf. They just are sick of being called. STOP CALLING THE BLOB THINGS!

Anyways, I think some sort of review would be nice. I will continue to write without them though, as I like writing as much as I like S'mores. Oh nom nom nom!)


	4. Enter Dib

It was past noon on planet Earth. Skool was over, and hundreds of kids streamed out of the building, through any means possible. Dib walked out of the Skool, as jumping through windows seemed just _stupid_ to him. As he walked home, his sister, Gaz, walked beside him playing her game of course.

_Like she'd want to talk with me for a change,_ he thought, before pushing the thought away. Gaz could be scary, but at least she would help him rather then Zim. Or so he thought. Dib did not know his sister very well, even if they grew up together. It was weird, but Dib was less interested in bonding with his sister then say, finding a chucabra.

A few minutes later, Dib was home, drinking soda while doing a bit of translating a document form Zim's computer. Actually, Tak's ship was doing the work, he was just sitting there, sipping soda. He was content, as he read the various files that Tak's ship translated, even if they were about places and things had never heard of.

"_The humpgirus of planet gredtella were perhaps the stupidest race ever, as they were extremely long and very, very short. They had heard of the irkens before they were invaded by Invader Dia, so they had been practicing standing on two legs. When Invader Dia arrived, she found more the one half of the population had died from head related injuries and proceeded to call the armada and preform the bio-sweep. Today, Dia is famous for being the fastest Invader ever, and lives a life of luxury on planet Resortia._"

To tell the truth, this kind of article was mostly what Dib could find on the computer. Boring articles about Invaders who got lucky ad ended up living on a resort planet. He knew the important files had to somewhere, but so far his spy-bug had been unable to locate almost anything important. Dib could, if he wanted, manually search to find all the things that mattered, but for now he would just sit back and learn about Freschys and Rufliknes. He had all day, after all.

-

Dib DID have all day, although Kefe obviously did not. He had only six hours left before the armada was in firing range, not counting the four hours it would take for him to return to his own planet.

He had little time. He knew that it was unlikely he would find anything useful, as every race he contacted either couldn't speak, wouldn't speak or was owned by the Irken empire. He HAD to remain hopeful, as that was one of those lessons you learn when your young. Always remain hopeful, the end will make you happy and your enemy unhappy. Unless your enemy had been taught the same lesson, you were going to win. No matter what.

Kefe was outside of the atmosphere of a relatively small planet, though fifth in size in it's solar system. It had large blue oceans on it, as well as large green patches, probably of trees. There was life here, hopefully intelligent. After all, you must remember that Kefe didn't have all day to go planet hopping.

It was night in the spot he had decided to land his ship, the planets single moon shown clearly in the sky. The artificial lights of a city lit up even the woods that Kefe was in, so he decided to go to the darkest of the areas he could see, which was still bright. Kefe was about to step out of the growth of the forest before he realized he had no disguise at all. If he was caught, there was bound to be some panic among this non-space going race. He contemplated this for a minute before realizing that if he had a gun, no one would dare threaten him. Unless they had guns. Whether or not it was a good idea, Kefe got himself a gun. It was a slandered, mass-produced one that was not very strong, but it had LED lights and looked relatively powerful. As he walked down the street, Kefe was not noticed, as barely anyone was one the streets but him and a couple of insomniacs who weren't paying any attention.

The place Kefe stopped at was a purple building with a blue roof. Lights were on in the building, so at least _someone_ was home. Kefe had deiced to be direct. He was going to knock, ask what they knew about the irkens, and leave if thy knew nothing. It was practically foolproof. Striding up to the door, he knocked on the door. It was immediately opened by a small person with a large head that defied gravity. The person opened their mouth in a gasp, but Kefe was for once to quick.

"What do you know about the weaknesses Irken empire?" Kefe asked. It was hurried, but hopefully it was understandable.

"The Irkens? Umm- wait a second, I just... never thought someone would need my help! Wow. Umm... Well... I think you should come inside."

(Dib says "umm" waaaay too much...)


End file.
